Learning developmental biology all over back in 2015 was amazing.
I well understood the limits of what I could and could not control. Or at least I thought I did. They always say you can only control yourself - your actions, your reactions, your thoughts. But when it involves another person or other people, there is no control over the outcome. Makes enough sense. Sounds comforting enough in the face of disappointment.
But why do I feel this tinge of disappointment when my students tell me they went over time for the presentation, got cut off, and did not manage to get to the concluding segment, which would cause them to drop down the rubric, costing them a good grade.
It is not their fault. It is not mine fault.
But I so wanted the presentation to help them get a good grade for the course, setting up office hours for them to practice and gave them pointers. I wanted them to do well.
Yet, I forget that ultimately, the control of their grade is not in my hands, but in their hands and that of others. It is frustrating, knowing how good their presentation is, how much effort they put in, and yet, not being able to do anything. This is so so frustrating.
Acknowledging that you have no control over something, and not putting the responsibility upon yourself can be so hard.
it's been 4.5 months since I flew back home.
Singapore feels different, from when I left for the US in 2006.
definitely more crowded. was recounting with a friend about the more peaceful, or should I say 'tranquil' times, when I was in school. Then, the population of 3 million was a more homogenous and closer-knit one. Today, the population has 'boomz' (yes fav word of the moment). But it's sad that the people who make up the numbers are just that... with no sense of belonging nor ownership.
Anyway, back to changes... I love how the skyline is changing at the marina bay area. love love love the skyline of Singapore:)one thing that I missed lots in Madison. city living!
and the new shopping centres - Orchard central, ion, iluma. but haven't been in the mood to shop ever since i came back
settling back into Singapore has been relatively easy... except for the weather.
brother's 21st!
cousins! dinner at long beach before Mike leaves for France...
first snowskin mooncakes... the teacher prepared everything for us, so it was quite successful. but my own attempt was bad:(
pimply kitty mooncake <3
at Shillawon :)How ironic. To think that all along, I have been counting down the semesters and looking forward to the day when I'll finally graduate. Yet now, I just want a little more time. It's a scary thought actually, that my final semester here at UW ends in just 2 more days. One exam, a couple of papers, a thesis and I am done officially. Commencement is next Sunday.
It's hard, the thought of packing up and leaving for good. Never never had I imagined that I wouldn't bear to leave Madison. Ok. I am looking forward to graduating, but not about leaving Madison. Leaving the place that I have grown so comfortable with. One where so many memories, good and bad alike, started...
By the pool,I scooped some water with my palms. The water remained carefully contained within the careful cup my hands formed.
But, as I try to close my fingers around it, it spills through every crack it finds...
The hours of Mondays through Fridays get drawn into the chasm of onerous routines. And whatever little time left is salvaged, is cherished, is thanked for.
The weekend becomes the cynosure of each week. Yet, they have to fly by.
I don't want an end to the weekend. And sometimes, just sometimes, I woolgather and wish I had the power to freeze special moments in time.
I'm just amused. How strange it hadn't struck me till now - the value of time. Not with the passing of each birthday. Neither did it during the A levels or finals.
Yet, now, I've been reduced to a scavenger, a hoarder.
Every hour, every minute, every second. They matter the world.
And so classes ended last Friday, marking the end of yet another semester. To be exact, the second to last.
The end is sort of in sight, and really, it helps to know that this chapter is finally coming to a close:)I can't wait to graduate!
It was my 4th attempt, and the outcome was the same as the previous attempts.
Not an immediate failure, but the points I chalked up were enough to cost me.
I was really upset, more with myself than anything.
Starting to seriously doubt my abilities, and question whether it's all meant to be in the first place.
Whilst I'm trying really hard to convince myself that it was just my luck running into such a b*tchy tester, one can be that unlucky only a couple of times. Now is WAY pass that threshold. And I guess it's just something wrong with me... if you're good, you're good. the tester or test conditions wont' be a significant influence.
When people start asking how i did, don't even want to answer them. Yea, maybe before the next test, I should tell them to assume the worst case scenario, and not ask unless they see me jumping for joy.
Some people can pass on their first attempt, but me...
Everytime I think about taking the test again, I get knots in my stomach.
It's the thought of failing yet another time. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if that happens...
Whether or not I pass this test is inconsequential. Life goes on. But the fact that it's taking so long.. the feeling is absolutely crappy.
And the pressure just increases with each attempt
Pretty amazing how little things like that can make you doubt your self worth.
Sometimes, no, actually all the time, I wished I could make better decisions.
A number of wrong decisions back then, and I am living with the consequences even till today.
And it's only when everything is carved in stone, that people tell me that I should have made this and that of a decision. Yah, I appreciate that very much.
If only I could turn back time...
算了
I wished...
Sometimes, even the most sane person make the most irrational decision.
And the most level-headed person allows emotions to rule his head.
Moods swing like a pendulum because of who-knows-what chemical fluxes in the brain.
The worse is being hapless as the biochemistry of it all overpowers our ability to think straight.
I love my new table, which was a gift from dear jo. Thank you! Haha... and the very comfortable papasan, which I got from Yun. One of the best things is reading papers whilst slumped in it... and getting lulled to sleep:xDestination: Dublin, Ireland!
Guinness is good... not that I have tried lots of other beer. But yes, I like the clean taste of the brew... it's particularly refreshing... Cheers~
The fickle weather did dampen our spirits... but still it was a fun-filled weekend, thanks to the wonderful company!
photos stolen from khian hong!
DESTINATION: Stonehenge, Windsor, Oxford
What purpose the stones served remains a mystery...
Thankful... for the wonderful weather that weekend amongst many other things!CaMbRidGE!
And so a long overdue post. Just an update… Been in Cambridge for almost 2 weeks now. Did everything there is to do around here – went to Corpus’ formal last Friday (thanks to Shireen),
sure looks like one of those harry potter dinners, doesn't it?
and that is expert punter Hong King, together with Yao Feng (left) who brought us around Cambridge on Saturday.
Corpus Christi College
our first attempt at cooking dinner
I am so sick of studying for biochemistry... Actually I shouldn't be complaining because as compared to people who are doing biochem 508, biochem 503 is but the tip of the iceberg. And I had all the time from Monday to study, but I did
not want to. the bolt of finals during the last week of school just killed me...
So what did I do on Monday and Tuesday? Hmm. That is a really good question. Time just flew by... For one, I burnt the whole of Monday in lab, running my western. And I am glad I went to lab because I would have whiled away my time watching Bleach anyways... I spent half my Tuesday in lab, and the other half watching Bleach... Hopelessly addicted to Bleach. I started watching Bleach 3 - 4 weeks ago, and I am already at the Arrancar Arc. I skipped the Bount Arc though, but I am planning to watch that some time in summer. But Bleach is the coolest anime, really... not professing to be some anime guru, but go watch it, and you will know why it is so addictive. I regret not watching it with the rest last Spring... and back then, I wondered about the magic of Bleach... now i know.
Ahh.. back to mugging for biochem... Studying is so much harder when are studying about things that you have already learnt in, say genetics, but yet, you have to force yourself to plough through that useless crap because there is a different (aka biochemical) slant...
Just willing next Monday to come...
all spick and span before the tour
And yes, I think it would be really cool to spend a night in the cave. I love how it becomes pitch black once we turn off the headlights. Plus the lovely temperature around the tens...
Oh yes, and something that we concurred on: if not for the helmets, we would have suffered from concussions... bumping into the roof of the cave was quite a common occurrence...
Look at us after
with Ranger John, in all our caving glory
not so clean after it all. But really really glad we went for the tour:)
Pictures courtesy of kh:)
Sunday was another adventure in itself... in the interest of time, it's a story that I'll blog about some other time... Got back to Madison on Sunday later than expected, and could not do much about Biochemistry the next day...
Hah... I think I screwed up Biochemistry... bigtime. Screwed up many other things too... Trying to take things in my stride... Getting better but yes, it isn't easy at all. I guess after it all, you see that what is meant to be will be. What is not meant to will never be.
